From: Aaron Humphrey
Subject: Rictus Hep Breaks Up With His Girlfriend

She left me a note, but I had to make up the chords.

From: Anonymous
Subject: Rictus Hep Explains Why He's Not Going To Cry

My toughness threshold is set way too high.

From: Anonymous
Subject: Rictus Hep Interviews for a Job

So, how much notice do I get for your drug test, anyway?

From: Anonymous
Subject: Rictus Hep Learns That One Out of Four Humans Are Chinese

Carefully studying reruns of 'The Brady Bunch', he decides Cindy and Greg are the ones in disguise.

From: Anonymous
Subject: Rictus Hep Needs Pepto Bismol

My stomach can't take this food for thought.

From: Anonymous
Subject: Rictus Hep Quits his job at the Bottom of the Ocean

Had to... too much pressure.

From: Anonymous
Subject: Rictus Hep Responds to Claims that He Invents Meaningless Euphemisms

Hey, it's simple: I happen to know which side my 'bread' is 'buttered' on.

From: Anonymous
Subject: Rictus Hep Sings The Lament of the Epistemologic Femme Fatale

I'm not bad. I'm just *defined* that way.

From: Anonymous
Subject: Rictus Hep Slyly Cheats

He rolls back his trip odomoter.

From: Anonymous
Subject: Rictus Hep, Arts Maven

And notice the way that Elvis stands in stark contrast against the black, crushed velvet background.

From: Anonymous
Subject: Rictus Hep, Astronomer, Parodies 80's Ad Campaign

Absolutely zero gets between me and my Kelvin. Zero.

From: Anonymous
Subject: Rictus Hep, Gambler

So, if it's over 20, you want a hit, right?

From: Anonymous
Subject: Rictus Hep, Mathematician

Everyone knows that to find your center, take your endpoints and divide by two.

From: Anonymous
Subject: Rictus Hep, Therapist

Simon says: Don't be so suggestible.

From: BENth
Subject: Rictus Hep's Last Words

If you cut me, do I not bleed?

From: Blair Haworth
Subject: Rictus Hep Studies Political Economy

So, with a value-added tax, the guys that make Cheez Whiz get rebates, right?

From: Blair P. Houghton
Subject: Rictus Hep Blows a Date Early

Baby, you look like five or six bucks.

From: Coyote
Subject: Rictus Hep, Artiste

Why paint when you can use an *actual* Campbell's Soup can?

From: Crisper Than Thou
Subject: Rictus Hep: The One-Liners Just Keep Coming!

Last night I dreamt that I swallowed my pride, and this morning my self-esteem was missing! Hey, aren't you going to applaud now?

From: Curtis Yarvin
Subject: Rictus Hep Refutes the Sixties

I mean, look at those pants.

From: David Smolar
Subject: Rictus Hep Sees Steven Wright in Concert

Yeah...uh-huh...um...yes...yeah...yes, and?

From: Gabrielle Barrett
Subject: Rictus Hep Salutes the Sun God

Ra Ra Ra, Isis Boom Ba.

From: Gabrielle Barrett
Subject: Rictus Hep's Favorite Superhero

Superfluous Man, defender of double baggers everywhere!

From: HWRNMNBSOL
Subject: Rictus Hep Eats Pez

Ooh, yeah, Batman ... c'mon, just a little tongue ...

From: Jeff Swanson
Subject: Rictus Hep Disdains the Garage Sale

Great Scott! I can't imagine what I'd do with another one.

From: K Johnson
Subject: Rictus Hep Finds His True Self

It was down the back of the sofa

From: Keith Lewis
Subject: Rictus Hep Comes Home To His Wife

Honey, I missed you like a poorly aimed bullet.

From: Kevin W. McAuley
Subject: Rictus Hep Goes Dating

Hi, I'm sterile.

From: Laura Susan Atkins
Subject: Rictus Hep Invents A Packaged Product

Instant Hangover: just remove water.

From: Mark Gooley
Subject: Rictus Hep is Doomed

He expected a deus ex machina, but the machinery had by then broken down.

From: Mark N. Neeley
Subject: Rictus Hep Waxes Philisophical

Carpe diem? You mean God's a fish? Whoa.

From: Maxwell
Subject: Rictus Hep, Fish Farmer

Yessir, best damned lampreys in the entire Great Lakes region!

From: Mr. Bad Judgment
Subject: Rictus Hep Takes a Clue From the Vintners

And decides he should sleep at a slightly inclined angle.

From: Nikolaus Maack
Subject: Rictus Hep makes a zoological comment.

Why can't sea anemones be friends?

From: Paul Lord
Subject: Rictus Hep Loses Track of the Conversation

He crawls around the floor on his knees, saying 'Help! I've lost a context!'

From: Richh
Subject: Rictus Hep Begins His Novel

The sky was the color of Somerset Maugham.

From: Richh
Subject: Rictus Hep Salts The Earth Behind Him

For luck.

From: Richh
Subject: Rictus Hep is Stymied During an Exchange of Pleasantries

Whassup?
Oh, pretty good. You?

From: Richh
Subject: Rictus Hep, Marketing Genius

I Can't Believe It's Not Lard.

From: Roy M. Silvernail
Subject: Rictus Hep Assists the Diet Beverage Industry.

Just put a little sugar in them, so they don't taste so nasty.

From: Scott Ellis
Subject: Rictus Hep, Nighttime Talkshow Host

Join the fun as Rictus's guests take vows of chastity, obedience, and silence.

From: Smarasderagd
Subject: Rictus Hep Speaks to his Creator

Posture, that's like attitude, isn't it?

From: The Elder Dan 'Industrially Crisper'
Subject: Rictus Hep Applies to Industrial Light and Magic

Well, I saw Ghostbusters about fifty times and I've had years of experience with morphine effects.

From: The Heckler
Subject: Rictus Hep Visits the Record Store

...and purchases The Sound of One Hand Clapping; becomes upset at discovering that no stereo recordings of this rare EP exist.

From: The Heckler
Subject: Rictus Hep, Demagogue

'...'
The crowd goes wild.

From: Thomas Wallace Colthurst
Subject: Rictus Hep Discusses His Previous Life as an Uranium Atom

Well, ah, actually it was more of a previous half-life. But I can still do the splits...

From: Thomas Wallace Colthurst
Subject: Rictus Hep Reflects

I would be a child prodigy, if only I was a lot younger.

From: Thomas Wallace Colthurst
Subject: Rictus Hep Uses Simulated Annealing

I've fallen into a local minimum, and I can't get up!

From: Thomas Wallace Colthurst
Subject: Rictus Hep in the Japanese Rock Garden

Lies down, waves his arms and legs, and makes an angel.

From: Thomas Wallace Colthurst
Subject: Rictus Hep, Motivational Speaker

Nothing succeeds like a tautology.

From: Thomas Wallace Colthurst
Subject: Rictus Hep, Science Officer

Chemical analysis showed faint traces of irony at the time of death, sir.

From: Tom Fawcett
Subject: Rictus Hep Abridges Poe

'Stop that goddamn tapping!', he screamed.

From: Tom Hopkins
Subject: Rictus Youngman

A man comes up to me, says he hasn't had a bite in weeks, so I say 'Bite me.'

From: Waldby
Subject: Rictus Hep Ponders the Universe

At last! I've perfected the perpetual motion machine.

From: Yossi Oren
Subject: Rictus Hep, Dietary Engineer

We'll make your old jeans retrofit.